My Keys

I'm no expert at relationships or marriage, I make mistakes and learn new things every day, let me tell you!  But I seem to regularly talk about the keys and tools I've learned in my first year of marriage that have helped me so much and I want to share them with you.  There are so many people who crave good, intimate relationships and a thriving marriage but just don't have the tools, so I hope I can share some lessons and insights I've learned on how to become a more amazing lover.

-- You are powerful.  It's your choice to express love towards your spouse every day and take personal responsibility for that decision and the quality of your relationship.  Love is a verb, love is an action.

-- Remember your mate's true heart towards you, even in the midst of conflict when it's hard to see the good.  They truly want the best for you.

-- Always believe the best about the past, present and future of your relationship.  Our actions come out of our core beliefs.

-- Learn how to love them the way they appreciate it most.  There are 5 love languages that give you more bang for your buck.  They are: Words of affirmation, physical touch, acts of service, receiving gifts, and quality time.  These are going to look different for each person, but we need to learn how to love our mate the way they feel the most loved!

-- The whole point is connection and intimacy.  It's not about agreement, being right or winning.  It's about understanding the other person and making them feel safe, loved and understood so they can act out of the best version of themselves. 

-- Be vulnerable.  Let your spouse know what's going on in your heart.  The good, the bad and the ugly.  What's going on in your inner world?  Are you listening to your heart?

-- No hiding.  Anything you may feel ashamed of and want to hide or feel uncomfortable talking about, you need to open up about that exact thing.  No secrets.  Secrets create distance and destroy intimacy and connection.

-- If you don't know how to overcome something in your relationship, assume that you will overcome it soon, and envision yourself after you've jumped that hurdle.  See it as a chance for an upgrade in your marriage and intimacy, and seek advice from someone who's doing marriage well in that area and is further along than you.

  

-- Remember, your spouse is trying their best to love you well, so make sure to affirm them for the amazing ways they're loving you!  If there's something that they're doing that is not helpful or hurts, use a "Hero sandwich" to communicate this:

  1. Bread - verbally affirm the things they're doing right and what you love about them and their heart towards you.

  2. Meat - vulnerably express how their negative action is affecting you internally.  For example, "when you do _____, I feel unprotected and scared."

  3. Bread - more verbal affirmation on what they're doing great and how wonderful they are!

-- When your spouse fails or isn't acting their best, remind them of who they truly are and how awesome they are.  We all need someone to see and believe the best in us.

-- And finally, don't forget to look back at your progress and remember how much you've grown.  Especially be thankful for how good you're doing in areas that you've had to overcome!

We all want to be an amazing lover and best friend.

Have a great week!

xx