Saturday, March 14, 2015

The Next Step

Can I tell you that I am so happy that flares are back in action.  That easy breezy 70's style has always been a favorite of mine.  I grew up embracing that boho vibe on the California coast.  Make sure to grab yourself a pair of high-waisted flares, throw on platforms or heels for those legs for days, and a petite or structured top to balance out the curves and you're good to go!

It's hard to put into words what I've been going through this past week... Probably because no one I know talks about it.  When I woke up I was having an incredibly hard time getting out of bed before noon.  I'd walk into the kitchen and just stare blankly, detached out the window for who knows how long.  Nobody was there to interrupt my daze, so I wouldn't know how much time went by.  I could barely get ready for work in time for my 4:30pm shift, I couldn't remember a thing or get anything done.  I had absolutely no energy, it as like all life had drained out of me.  It was seriously the weirdest, numbest desert island I had found myself on.  Was I depressed?  I didn't feel anything.  All I can tell you is that usually I'm a very driven, efficient, strategic and self disciplined person.  I don't feel like the walking dead, I usually feel alive!  Emotions, ideas, thoughts and goals flowing freely inside.  As I was wondering what might be wrong with me and how I could break out of this rut, a soft inner voice said "what's going on in your heart?"  I wasn't trained to listen to my heart and feelings very much, I know we're all brought up in different environments and hopefully you had the chance to learn this, but it wasn't part of my childhood.  As I thought about it, I came to the conclusion that I didn't feel anything going on in my heart.  Oh wait no... what was that twinge?  An underlying... sadness.  My eyes welled up with tears.  Woah, where did that come from!  And as I embraced the sadness it all came flooding in.  The feeling, the emotion, the grief and pain that I had apparently been ignoring for long enough that it was debilitating me.  The dear friends that I left behind in northern California when I moved back to the bay.  I still keep in touch, but I hardly get to see them since I moved.  And they used to be a part of my daily life!  No, it's not okay with me that I don't get to spend as much time with them anymore.  Yes.  It matters.  It means that I really loved if I am experiencing this grief over the loss and end of a season in my life.  Will I still stay in contact and maintain those connections?  Of course.  They are so special to me.  But the fact is that a time in my life has come to a close.  I need to embrace the pain and sadness so that I can have healthy closure and prepare to open up my heart for the next season, for new friends and experiences I'm going to welcome into my life.  One chapter ending and a new one beginning.  So sad and so hopefully expectant all at the same time!  But no one ever taught me how to grieve.  And that's why I'm sharing this with you.  So possibly if you have pain or grief you're avoiding and busily trying to medicate or fix the symptoms instead of listening to your heart, maybe this will help you too.  So that you can move on.  So that you can open up your heart again and feel alive.  I know that one day I'll wake up and won't feel sad anymore.  It won't last forever.  I know I won't drown.  And I'll always look back on beautiful days of laughter, ranting, connection and comradery with a full heart of gratefulness for the people I had and have the privilege of knowing and being close to, no matter where our lives take us.  


Photos by Megan Walton

Shirt: Tahari (similar here and here)
Jeans: Joe's Jeans
Jacket: Solitaire (love this one by Anine Bing)
Handbag: Rebecca Minkoff
Shoes: Truffle (cute ones here and here)

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